One, I seem incapable of a daily committment right now. I don't know if it's because of trying to do PTA and LM at the same time right on the heels of a my stillbirth. I don't know if it's something that's always been there, lying dormant in me and is just now coming to fruition. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis? Maybe it's the fact that I feel like my marriage is broken on some fundamental level but neither of us can go anywhere because we want to keep the kids together and the misery and strain of that takes up all of my energy? Maybe I'm so chemically challenged that I'm not going to be able to "function" in the traditional sense until I get medicated. Maybe I'm just spoiled and need to "buck up?" Maybe a little bit of all that? Whatever it is, I can barely bring myself to clean up after our lives, much less get dressed and go to a job every day.
The other reason is that my "talents" (read: degrees/experience) are essentially un-hire-able right here, right now. The government and economy being what they are, librarians are not in high demand. For the most part, I'd rather scoop out my own eye ball with a spoon and let my kitten bury it in his litter box before I'd want to teach ESL. So, even if I COULD find the initiative and energy to shower every day, there's no where for me to go.
I could resolve myself to the fact that I'm meant to be a kept woman. A housewife. BUT, I really do feel that somewhere inside me, there is a talented brain. She's not very organized right now and is battling chemical mood swings pretty bad, but there's SOME value to her, right?
So, in an attempt to move forward (though it feels like I'm walking through a bog wearing cement shoes), I'm revising my timeline. I can't do anything bakery-related really until Lolo--sorry, LAUREL (she told me yesterday on her 4th birthday that she'd now like to be called Laurel instead of Lolo)--goes to school, right? I mean, probably not. So, I have about ten, maybe 11 months? And you have to subtract next summer from that since I can't get much done with three kids around.
Nov. 1st is my last day of work as Chapter Manager for LM. I figured I'd spend October really working my butt off for LM so that I can send it off right (and relieve some of the stress and strain that's probably inevitable for my staff). November will be spent doing NaNoWriMo. I can spend December finishing and revising my books and get them out to the Agent of My Dreams. New Year's can be my deadline. If he doesn't want my stuff this time, I think it's time to look around for another agent. *gasp* I know. I really wanted to work with him and have him MOLD me, but he can't mold me if he doesn't take me on and maybe I'm squandering talents waiting for him to like me? Other fish in the sea and whatnot?
If it works and I get my books out there, well, then, that's great. If I don't, I won't have to look at it as if I didn't try, right? And then I can be free to move on to baking next school year. I can hound this local awesome bakery to take me on as an apprentice and let me open a Rustburg location of their bakery, right? Sound a little overzealous? It wouldn't be me if it wasn't, though, huh?
I think my hernia repair has failed. I think it's my fault. *cringe* I went months without working out and then spent the whole day Saturday hauling logs out of our front "yard" (read: woods). I drove the tractor down into the "yard," loaded the cart full of logs, drove it up to the woodpile, unloaded the logs and then drove the tractor back down and repeated it. I did that for about four hours. Then, I spent some time making brush piles before I came back in the house, washed the dishes, made cheesy biscuits to go with the pot roast I had started earlier that morning. I felt fine. Good even. I had sweat pretty hard and had taken my time showering. We had friends over and played cards until nearly midnight (A BLAST, by the way!!!!). the next day I was fine, too. It wasn't until YESTERDAY that I started really hurting. THIS morning, I couldn't even reach up into the cabinet to get a dish down. So, have I screwed up my hernia repair by overdoing it? Or is it like ANY time I've overdone it muscularly? And I'm just sore? Maybe? I REALLY want to start going back to the Y next week but I'm not going to be able to if I've screwed up my hernia repair. So, if you have any, send me some happy tummy vibes so I can get my spin/swim on next week, mmmkay? Thanks.
So, and don't laugh, but... I'm considering homeschooling again. I did a little bit over the summer, as I mentioned, but, as I also mentioned, I was busy working on PTA and LM and wasn't able to do it like I'd really like to. I'm seriously torn. I think they'd get a BETTER, more rounded education if I were giving it to them. I would be able to give them more time and attention......... Problem is..... I don't like it. I THINK I'd be okay with it if I didn't have other stuff to do. But I dunno. I guess we'll see in January. I think once I'm all done with all the other stuff I have going, maybe I'll spend a little extra time working with Lolo. I did start out the school year doing that with her, but got side tracked.
We had Lolo's *cough* Laurel's birthday dinner last night. We toyed with having a party but decided against it and instead went out to a resto that has Kids' Night on Monday night (kids eat free--yes, we are cheapshots). The girls got corndogs. *eye roll* And Sam got a Monte Cristo (a fried sandwich) and got kinda sick from it. But we had the waitress bring out a chocolate cake with whipped cream frosting that we had brought with us. It was yummy. Then, LAUREL opened her presents--she got a penguin puppet she's crazy about and a cloth doll. After dinner, we walked out to my car where Sam had secretly replaced Lolo's car seat with LAUREL'S new booster seat (she's been asking me for months when could she ride in a big girl "chair"... even just yesterday she said, "Mom, when can I sit in a different chair? Not a BABY chair? I'm a birthday girl now. I'm four. Can I have a different chair?"). At first she looked around the back seat for her bright read car seat but couldn't find it and seem to be asking herself if she was in the right car. But then Sam said, "Lolo, this is your new booster seat!" She said, "I have a new CHAIR!!!... Look at my spot, Mom!!!" This morning to Grandma Dana on the phone she said, "I'm so proud of it. I'm so proud of my Mom for giving me presents." LOL. I love that kid.
Okay... Pictures....
Solomon on the farm...
Lolo and Solomon playing "hair"...
Open house at Lily and Ryan's school...
Lily first....
And now Ryan...
What Lolo does at open house...
Snuggling with Tristan pre-post roast...
Lolo's 4th Birthday Dinner...
